Make Him Take This Pill and I’ll Call You in the Morning

Molly slumped in her chair. She was feeling weaker this morning and could barely lift her arms to scratch the constant itching sensation on her neck. Her husband sat beside her in their doctor’s office, and she wished Dr. Lewis would hurry up. He was already ten minutes late. A damn doctor should be on time to his appointments, especially when delivering a prognosis.

Her husband, Bill, reached over and took her hand. “No matter what the test results, we’ll get through this together.”

She nodded her head and thanked God she married such a wonderful man thirty years ago.

Doctor Lewis walked in carrying Molly’s medical records. “Good morning, and how are we feeling this morning?”

Molly rolled her eyes. “I don’t know about you, but I’m feeling worse.”

“Sorry to hear that,” the doctor said, and shifted his eyes to Bill and frowned. “I have good news and bad news for you both.”

“Please, good news first,” Molly said.

The doctor opened Molly’s records. “Well, the good news is all your test results came back negative. There’s nothing wrong with you.” The doctor frowned at Bill again.

“So what’s the bad news?” Molly said. “I suppose you’re going to tell me I’m a hypochondriac?”

“No, no, you’re not a hypochondriac. Your blood count has been down significantly as we already knew. So when Bill came in last week for his annual cholesterol check, I also had his blood tested for another disease. The bad news is Bill was recently turned into a vampire. Your husband has been draining you of blood at night, probably while you’ve been sleeping.”

The couple looked at each other then back at the doctor. Neither spoke. Both their faces contorted with disbelief and confusion.

“I know. I know.” Dr. Lewis said. “It sounds unbelievable, but it does happen, albeit rarely. The good news is there are treatments for you both. Molly, I’ll write you a prescription for a high powered iron and you’ll be feeling better in a couple of weeks.

“Bill, your cure is as simple as taking one pill.” The doctor pulled a pen out of his pocket and reached for his prescription pad. “Do either of you have any questions for me?” he asked while writing out the script.

“I’m not sure what to ask,” Bill said. “I mean, you’re accusing me of drinking my wife’s blood and that sounds—”

“This is serious,” the doctor said while pointing his pen at Bill. “If you don’t take the pill I’m about to prescribe for you, you will kill Molly. Do you want to kill your wife?”

“No, of course not.” Bill swallowed hard.

“Then you’ll take the pill without question and all will be fine in the morning.”

The room was silent while Dr. Lewis finished writing the prescriptions. He handed them to the Molly, “You make sure he takes the pill, Molly. Right before you turn in tonight. If he doesn’t, I’ll have to report him to the CDC.”

Molly nodded.

“Don’t worry, doc. I’ll take it,” Bill said while he helped his wife to her feed.

* * *

The following morning Molly woke up shortly after ten o’clock. It was the longest she had slept in weeks and was surprised Bill hadn’t woken her earlier. She got up and walked throughout the house looking for Bill, but the house was empty.

Maybe he went out, she thought and called his cell phone. It rang from somewhere in the house. Molly followed the ringing back to the bedroom and found his phone on the night stand. She hadn’t noticed when she got out of bed that the covers were up over his pillow. Bill never left the bed so neat when he got up in the morning.

She pulled the covers back to a horrific sight. A shadow of Bill’s body. He had spontaneously combusted in the middle of the night.

Molly’s phone rang. It was the doctor’s office. She answered in a hurry.

“Molly, it’s Dr. Lewis, calling to see how you’re feeling?”

“I’m fine,” she said while crying. “But Bill . . . he’s dead.”

“Well, what did you expect. He was a vampire. The only cure for vampirism is death.”

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